I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
