just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
