And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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