I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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