I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?