Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"