i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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