i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
