I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
