eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
