the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
