Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
