Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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