So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
