I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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