I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
