I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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