for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
