So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
