A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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