i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
