I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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