i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
