can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
