sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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