i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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