Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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