If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
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Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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