he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
