I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
