you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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