She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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