My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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