This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
