gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
