So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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