If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
