no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
