So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
