this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
