My friends, they love my intelligence
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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