Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
