You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
