Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
