Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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