i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
