I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
