census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
