I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
