i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
