A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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