You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
