I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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