i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
