Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
